Sunday, May 06, 2007

On thoughts, again

Over the years I have started to recognize my inability to hold on to thoughts. I realized that the only way to keep my random thoughts, which a lot of times i consider ingenious. So I tried, using the good old fashion pen and pencil with notebooks, but that wasn't so effective. First of all, I find it hard to organized and record something chaotic like how thoughts usually are at the stage of formation. Secondly, I find it necessary to use a fair amount of words to describe the very feeling or imagery that pops out unexpectedly. It may have being the fact that my vocabulary is scarce.
Another thing is that thoughts usually disappear faster than i could put it down precisely. The fact that I have a habit of fixating on the correctness of my vocabulary and grammar and usage has made it difficult to write down things fast. Not a difficult habit to change I suppose. Perhaps its the best to start now, like writing sentences that are incomplete and fragmented. Poetry it may look like, but it may also be frustrating to read.

Bits and pieces of incoherent thoughts create a symphony.. I think its an amazing ability to download information or ideas directly from the mind to paper. It is usually in that process of translating from the language of the mind into the language of words where ideas get crashed or distorted and lose their true meanings when they once reside in ones mind. Perhaps it is the barrier that stops us all from being truthful to ourselves and others.

I think I already lost track of what I was thinking.

What is it that stops us from putting down our thoughts? I find it amazing for those who writes journals on consistent basis. In this case I mean private journals, not blogs that are written in expectation that other would read them (an interesting phenomena which i would like to investigate). Private journals have a different type of meaning behind it. It would seem irrational having to write down things that are not meant to be read by others but its actually a fantastic way to organize and keep track of personal experiences and feelings that could be easily forgotten. I think it is of great regret to have lost ideas because they disappear without a trace and may never come back again. Being able to write down exactly what one is thinking requires an honest soul. Too often we try to hide what we think and feel from others, we do it too well that we are unable to be honest with ourselves anymore. Moreover, we do it in an semi-conscious level (not sure if it is a real term).

I think we tend to fend off some "negative" thoughts from entering our conscious mind, by convincing ourselves that those thoughts don't exist. These thoughts may be incompatible with our recognized believes or values, and potentially disturbing to the degree that would be incomprehensible for ourselves. To be able to truthfully record these thoughts is courageous.
It is like to explore the dark side of yourself, putting you in front of embarrassment, guilt, and desire that are socially unacceptable. Only when those standards are applied to ourselves we start to see things in full picture.

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