Prologue to an Update

最近在寫一篇比較沉重的話題，可是好像都寫不完。可能是用英文寫的關係吧？我自己讀都覺得不是很有趣，會讓人讀到睡著的感覺，不知道翻到中文會不會比較好。

馬上就寫好了。

On thoughts, again

Over the years I have started to recognize my inability to hold on to thoughts. I realized that the only way to keep my random thoughts, which a lot of times i consider ingenious. So I tried, using the good old fashion pen and pencil with notebooks, but that wasn't so effective. First of all, I find it hard to organized and record something chaotic like how thoughts usually are at the stage of formation. Secondly, I find it necessary to use a fair amount of words to describe the very feeling or imagery that pops out unexpectedly. It may have being the fact that my vocabulary is scarce.
Another thing is that thoughts usually disappear faster than i could put it down precisely. The fact that I have a habit of fixating on the correctness of my vocabulary and grammar and usage has made it difficult to write down things fast. Not a difficult habit to change I suppose. Perhaps its the best to start now, like writing sentences that are incomplete and fragmented. Poetry it may look like, but it may also be frustrating to read.

Bits and pieces of incoherent thoughts create a symphony.. I think its an amazing ability to download information or ideas directly from the mind to paper. It is usually in that process of translating from the language of the mind into the language of words where ideas get crashed or distorted and lose their true meanings when they once reside in ones mind. Perhaps it is the barrier that stops us all from being truthful to ourselves and others.

I think I already lost track of what I was thinking.

What is it that stops us from putting down our thoughts? I find it amazing for those who writes journals on consistent basis. In this case I mean private journals, not blogs that are written in expectation that other would read them (an interesting phenomena which i would like to investigate). Private journals have a different type of meaning behind it. It would seem irrational having to write down things that are not meant to be read by others but its actually a fantastic way to organize and keep track of personal experiences and feelings that could be easily forgotten. I think it is of great regret to have lost ideas because they disappear without a trace and may never come back again. Being able to write down exactly what one is thinking requires an honest soul. Too often we try to hide what we think and feel from others, we do it too well that we are unable to be honest with ourselves anymore. Moreover, we do it in an semi-conscious level (not sure if it is a real term).

I think we tend to fend off some "negative" thoughts from entering our conscious mind, by convincing ourselves that those thoughts don't exist. These thoughts may be incompatible with our recognized believes or values, and potentially disturbing to the degree that would be incomprehensible for ourselves. To be able to truthfully record these thoughts is courageous.
It is like to explore the dark side of yourself, putting you in front of embarrassment, guilt, and desire that are socially unacceptable. Only when those standards are applied to ourselves we start to see things in full picture.

FINAL 事件錄

"明天就要考兩個final了,而現在卻開始發燒真是出師不利
本來還以為只是睡不好腰酸背痛"
4/16/07

寫到這裡我就掛掉了
後來狂喝水跟果汁
我發現final好像有不錯的治癒力
我才病了一天就康復了

anyways, did alot of facebook today, and expect to do more as a substitute for msn and random web surfing

First update at last

its been while since my last update
and today i actually think abt actually updating
剛剛login就看到了去年寫的草稿 dated 2/12/2006

好久沒update了喔
自己都開始覺得我的blog好無聊
今天就來寫一些沒營養的..嗯..i mean隨性的東西好了
以前每次po的都是會讓我自己頭痛的東西
actually.. i think i do have sth to write now

其實我漸漸發現到一個很嚴重的問題
說大不大但說小不小
算是一個滿深的topic
這個問題我也已經發現了好一陣子

原來我去年就想要update了,卻到現在才做
這個"嚴重的問題"到底是什麼我說實在也忘了
開頭寫這樣害我都想要再讀下去了,可是要再想起的機會實在不高
感覺好像被我自己賣了個關子,還滿嘔的

今天不是什麼特別的日子,在這麼不特別的時間重新開張我卻覺得恰到好處
因為不用想什麼應景的題目來寫,寫些沒什麼意義的東西也沒差
之前好幾次都想update可是也忘記為什麼都沒有,可能只是拖得太晚想睡
也可能只是為了first post該怎麼開始而煩惱
you might say that "欸呀,只是自己的blog而已,想那麼多幹嘛,想到什麼就寫啊!"
可是我覺得開張就是要好好的開始,隨便開始可能也會落得才幾個禮拜就倒閉的慘狀
所以不管怎樣
就是要寫多一點長一點,這樣看起來比較體面

講講剛剛被自己賣關子的事好了
其實這也不是第一次了,最近還滿常發生的,也就是因為這樣我才想開始寫東西
自己常常忘東忘西的
我說的不是忘記鑰匙放在哪裡,作業忘記寫的那種
而是想到了一些自己覺得很棒的東西或idea,可是還沒寫下來就忘了
"那就寫在筆記本啊"
嗯..good idea 可是我很懶得用筆寫東西,況且很多是要寫也寫不出來的
沒有經過自己碎碎唸加上紀錄是沒辦法整理出來的
所以最好還是用電腦打,以後也比較好access,我的筆記常常都不知道丟到哪了

話說回來
這種忘記東西的感覺還滿差的
尤其是像ideas or other creative thoughts
跑掉了可能永遠都回不來了
不知道頭腦是不是像硬碟一樣,剛忘記的東西像是檔案的資訊從MFT砍掉了
its deleted as we know it, but we can still find it if we really want to
可是時間一過,那一區硬碟可能就被另一個檔案overwriten
而腦細胞的連結也因為其他的資訊而被改變,wiping out the remaining memory
或許有很多人就是這樣失去了改變人生的機會

what about if you forget that you've forgotten something?
這樣倒是沒什麼不好的 since you wouldn't be aware of the loss
and since its all in your head, no one can remind you of what you have lost

想起了一個段子from "那一夜,我們說相聲" by 李力群 and 李國修
its titled 記性與忘性
提到了說記性壞的人活得挺愉快的,而他的解釋是 "你想嘛,什麼事都忘了當然愉快"
and i concur

Bear Paw

地瓜球

birds

Bear II

mommy's boy